If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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