Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
