Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
