A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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