My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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