i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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