I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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