Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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