Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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