i always forget guys have bellybuttons
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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