I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
