If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
