I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
