She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
