Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
