Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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