the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
