I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
