she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
