I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
