I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
