Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize