She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
