I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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