I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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