How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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