This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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