can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
