glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
