my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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