Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Damn victory sex feels great
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
