Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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