do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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