mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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