i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
