We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
this hospital has no fireball
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
