I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
