fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
