There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
