Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
