Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I looked at my own cervix.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just want nice things and good sex
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
