Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
