I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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