Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
