By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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