Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
