you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
