i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
