you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
