I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
