Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
