Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
