I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
