Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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