I cannot find my penis.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
