I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
