why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
