when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
