I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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