On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm like, not good at living.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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